My Friends Are In Love

i miss the innocent kind of love

the kind where he's jittery and gets his friend to talk to her

the kind where his body isn't functioning

and her brain is all scrambled

he really likes me?

shit

he really likes me.

and all the plans are made for the next day

the day after the long-awaited confession

"I'll talk to you in break"

"I'll come to your class"

"I'll get him to talk to you"

"don't tell anyone"

"my body isn't functioning, can we talk tomorrow?" all because those feelings have enveloped him

when it happened?, he knows no better than anyone else

somewhere through all the free periods and the friendly rivalry

i think he fell

meanwhile i,

i miss it.

i know I'm never getting it back.

the innocent one.

I'm too far along for it.

so i play the adviser

i play the mediator

i watch what happens

i catch the boy when he's rejected

i give my shoulder to the girl who rejected him

she feels bad but she doesn't feel the same way.

i make sure they remain friends.

I've been through the system enough times to know how badly it can end.

i make sure that doesn't happen.

i make sure the boy is happy

and the girl is laughing like she used to.

they'll be fine, i know it.

then i go back

i flirt with the boy

who i know wants nothing except my body

but i keep myself there

because if I'm not there

then where the hell am i?

i left the innocent love

so long ago

i no longer remember it

wait no, i have a vague memory

the boy who would have loved me to death

i know it.

oh right

it was me.

i was the stupid one.

the one who left him behind

stupid girl

idiot

"he needs to forgive you"

"i need to see him"

"i want to text him"

"he'll take my life if i ever see him again"

"i need his green light to move on"

"forgive yourself first"

"no, i cant"

"why?"

"i dont love myself enough to forgive myself"

"why don't you love yourself?"

"because i think i only loved myself when he loved me"