i miss the innocent kind of love
the kind where he's jittery and gets his friend to talk to her
the kind where his body isn't functioning
and her brain is all scrambled
he really likes me?
shit
he really likes me.
and all the plans are made for the next day
the day after the long-awaited confession
"I'll talk to you in break"
"I'll come to your class"
"I'll get him to talk to you"
"don't tell anyone"
"my body isn't functioning, can we talk tomorrow?" all because those feelings have enveloped him
when it happened?, he knows no better than anyone else
somewhere through all the free periods and the friendly rivalry
i think he fell
meanwhile i,
i miss it.
i know I'm never getting it back.
the innocent one.
I'm too far along for it.
so i play the adviser
i play the mediator
i watch what happens
i catch the boy when he's rejected
i give my shoulder to the girl who rejected him
she feels bad but she doesn't feel the same way.
i make sure they remain friends.
I've been through the system enough times to know how badly it can end.
i make sure that doesn't happen.
i make sure the boy is happy
and the girl is laughing like she used to.
they'll be fine, i know it.
then i go back
i flirt with the boy
who i know wants nothing except my body
but i keep myself there
because if I'm not there
then where the hell am i?
i left the innocent love
so long ago
i no longer remember it
wait no, i have a vague memory
the boy who would have loved me to death
i know it.
oh right
it was me.
i was the stupid one.
the one who left him behind
stupid girl
idiot
"he needs to forgive you"
"i need to see him"
"i want to text him"
"he'll take my life if i ever see him again"
"i need his green light to move on"
"forgive yourself first"
"no, i cant"
"why?"
"i dont love myself enough to forgive myself"
"why don't you love yourself?"
"because i think i only loved myself when he loved me"
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